Tag Archives: funny

Bad Love Songs

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Just in time for Valentine’s Day Twitter has unleashed #HarsherLoveSongs. Thought it would be fun to share some with you…or you can share some in the comments!

 

How Deep Is Your Wallet

My Eyes Abhorred You

The Girl Is Mine. Also I’m taking the car and the television.

Your Body Is A Wonderland…that should have gone undiscovered.

Your Body Is A Sochi Hotel Room (For more on this type ‘Sochi’ into my search bar).

That’s The Way Love Blows

Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’, Stranglin’, Buryin’.

I Just Called To Say I Love You…as a friend.

When A Man Dumps A Women

I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing…so I brought a camera.

Hopelessly Addicted To Glue

Baby Got Back Fat

At Last…you left and I got some peace and quiet.

Someone Like You…except hotter.

You’ve Got Bette Davis Thighs

Teenage Nightmare

You Are So Beautiful…on the inside.

Cuts Like A Machete

Your Sixteen, Your Beautiful, and now I’m going to jail.

50 Ways To Kill Your Lover

I Want To Hold Your Hand…but not in public.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered…here’s your restraining order.

Your Body Is A Legoland

My Heart Will Go Online Dating

Your Song (No, Not You, The Person Behind You)

I Wanna Dance With Somebody…Else

Maybe I’m Amazed…Maybe Not

Endless Codependency

Lovin’ You Is Easy…Cause I’ve Had 8 Beers

I’ll Make Love To You…because I made a bet with the popular kids that I could sleep with you on prom night.

Let’s Stay Together…since your the one with the Netflix account.

I’ve Got You Under Surveillance

If You Leave Me Now…I can play more video games.

Love Is In The Air..so I took a Claritin and brought my inhaler just in case.

I Will Always Love You…oh, wait, that person over there is more attractive…never mind.

Every Little Thing She Does is Passive Aggressive

It HAD to be you?

Thanks, Twitter!

 

 

 

What Jodi’s Tweets Really Mean

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So here’s the latest tweets from our favorite murderer:

2 days ago:

1. ‘To all those worrying who is tweeting for me NO IT IS NOT DONAVAN. Thank you.’    (She thinks we still care because she is so very important.)

2. ‘For the last 3 nites, Estrella’s kitchen served dinner in Styrofoam containers to nearly 2,000 ppl per nite. Sorry, planet.’     (An attempt to prove she really does care about that recycling idea though her allocution was the one and only time we ever heard she even cared.)

3. ‘Let’s clear up any confusion. Anyone asking 4 donation$ right now on my behalf 4 my appeals is not legit.’      (People are trying to rip me off!)

4. ‘I’m not currently accepting donations 4 appeals. Just don’t know yet if I will plea or appeal.’       (I am in control of this whole show.)

5. (Re-tweet from @Geraldo Rivera): ‘Am I the only one who thinks Nancy Grace’s relentless cheer leading for Jodi Aria’s Death gross and excessive? The anchor as executioner?!’    (I hate Nancy Grace!)

6. ‘I drew a bighorn sheep, now at JodiArias.com. These are beautiful animals native to the Southwestern United States.’      (I’m a fantastic artist and you should buy this.)

1 day ago:

1. ‘Please don’t send any photos I’m not allowed to receive them. MCSO;s website is misleading.’      (I’m so popular that I have to stop all my fans from sending me stuff.)

2. My friend Griz wrote me and posed an interesting Q: “Why do people find it so easy to hate and so hard to love?”    (My imaginary friend is trying to get all you haters to stop.)

 

An Eggtreenews.wordpress.com blog on Martinez today -5/2

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I am sitting in front of a stack of 42 handwritten pages of notes from today. Martinez was amazing. While I ponder what to do please read a post from my favorite blogger on this trial, and please, if you like it go to the link and read the many other hysterical posts…Thanks Eggy!

Mr. Martinez Cooks a Hell of a Goose

Posted by eggtreenews in Uncategorized. 30 Comments

-W.O.W., Arizona

Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez ruled the Maricopa Courthouse Grill today. And it was good. The aroma of roasting demon goose wafted from the courthouse and soon encircled the whole globe like a cleansing incense. Juan may as well have been wearing a chef’s hat and apron that said “Kiss ‘The Prosecutor,’” because his squeeing groupies outside will go absolutely crazy after hearing his closing argument. 

The master chef don’t need no stinkin’ recipe. He must have a photographic memory, because he stood spinning Jodi on the rotisserie for about seven hours without referring to a single note. And his closing was cohesive, passionate, and thorough. He shined the bright light of truth on Stabby Einstein’s mountain of lies, and connected every single dot flawlessly to expose her for the diabolical monster she is. And Stabby definitely no-likey hearing the truth about herself. 

The succubus in human form doodled with a palpable rage at the defense table, seething in her own furious juices as Juan spelled out his case for premeditation. Her scribbling only grew more intense as he drove each point home, until finally she started smirking, shaking her head, giggling, and muttering to herself in the bubble of arrogance she likes to call victimhood. Like your typical battered woman.  

Demons have no idea how to cry like real people. Under the mistaken impression that tears come from the nasal passages, Stabby rubbed her nose repeatedly in an attempt to turn on the waterworks, as Juan displayed graphic autopsy pictures of Travis. Epic fail. At least learn how to fake it right for our benefit, Rudolph. And we can see you playing peek-a-boo with every picture of your handiwork, so wipe the “duper’s delight” smirk off your face along with the fake tears, because you’re fooling nobody. 

Homecoming Queen contender Jenny must have pulled an all nighter perfecting her super professional eyerolls and sneers in the mirror, because she looks beat. But not too beat to practice her classic headshot pose over at the defense table, with her chin resting gently on her curled fist. And NEVER too beat for a sidebar objection, even in the midst of closing arguments. After all, a teen modeling scout could be watching. 

Classy Heavy D actually giggled when Juan mentioned Travis was naked when he was killed. So we can definitely expect him to get down and dirty tomorrow with his porn obsession when the defense presents their closing fairytale. 

But for now… Enjoy the fire-licked rotisserie goose cooked to perfection by Mr. Martinez. 

Link to happiness: http://eggtreenews.wordpress.com/